{"id":179,"date":"2018-01-21T21:13:34","date_gmt":"2018-01-22T02:13:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/aig.alumni.virginia.edu\/dearaapaan\/?p=179"},"modified":"2021-09-29T16:27:40","modified_gmt":"2021-09-29T20:27:40","slug":"dear-aapaan-trying-online-dating-looking-meet-compatible-person-not-going-well-far-hints-best-go","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/2018\/01\/21\/dear-aapaan-trying-online-dating-looking-meet-compatible-person-not-going-well-far-hints-best-go\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear AAPAAN: I been trying out online dating looking to meet a compatible person.\u00a0\u00a0Not going well so far.\u00a0 Any hints on how best to go about this?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">Dear AAPAAN: I been trying out online dating looking to meet a compatible person (could be Asian-American, or any other ethnicity).&nbsp;&nbsp;Not going well so far.&nbsp; Any hints on how best to go about this?&nbsp;&nbsp;Signed Anonymous<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">Dear Anonymous,<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Dear AAPAAN panelists have been out of the dating scene for a quite a while and we don\u2019t feel we\u2019re in a good position to answer your question.&nbsp;&nbsp;So we polled our younger Alumni who have more current experiences and here is what they told us.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">Like most things in life, there\u2019s no one path, but instead the paths are many.<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are some obvious ethnic centered sites (which can easily be found through Google (e.g.&nbsp;DilMil, Minder, Shaadi.com, EastMeetsEast), and all of the generic ones (e.g.&nbsp;Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge, Match, etc.).&nbsp;You can check on their reviews and ratings on line, all of which are quite subjective.&nbsp;&nbsp;Here&nbsp;we thought we would focus more on general strategies shared from our polled group.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><u>Meeting People<\/u>.&nbsp;&nbsp;On-line dating (apps\/websites, etc.) is obviously preferred by many \u2013 it\u2019s easy, anonymous, and convenient. You\u2019ll have chances to meet great people that way.&nbsp;&nbsp;But don\u2019t forget about the traditional way \u2013 friends and family.&nbsp;&nbsp;Tell people you\u2019re single \u2013 there\u2019s nothing wrong that and it\u2019s&nbsp;<strong>not<\/strong>&nbsp;a sign of desperation.&nbsp;&nbsp;Wouldn\u2019t you ask friends and family for help if you were looking for a job?&nbsp;&nbsp;Your close network is probably the #1 way to meet like-minded people. In addition, focus on attending events that interest you (hiking, pottery, reading clubs, etc.).&nbsp;&nbsp;You may find someone with a similar interest right around the corner.&nbsp;&nbsp;It is easier and much less awkward to start a good conversation around shared interests with that person. Set concrete goals (e.g. attend 1 outside event a week, do online dating a few hours a week, or \u2018email my close network every 2 months reminding them about me\u2019!)<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">Caution: It\u2019s very easy to get distracted and demoralized if you are constantly looking for someone 24\/7.&nbsp;&nbsp;It\u2019s ok to take a few weeks off and just relax.&nbsp;<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">Expectation management: You don\u2019t always meet great people nor have a great conversation with your date. It\u2019s ok to feel awkward or frustrated sometimes. Try not to blame yourself or others much. Instead, just see it as a chance to meet a new person or an opportunity to practice your conversation skill.<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">If you are an introvert, you might feel stressed about meeting people one on one on your first date.&nbsp;&nbsp;You might feel better participating in a group setting\/activity at first.&nbsp; Tap your network of friends.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><u>Be Honest and Communicative<\/u>.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just like applying for a job, it will be readily apparent if you are dishonest.&nbsp;&nbsp;Many personal characteristics are factual in nature and can easily be ascertained, but other items can be determined by getting to know a person.&nbsp;&nbsp;There\u2019s no point in wasting each other\u2019s time by materially overstating something.&nbsp;&nbsp;We heard lots of stories about people hiding something, or simply just going through the motions of dating without any real purpose of what they want.<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-183 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/texting-1490691_1280.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1280\" height=\"853\" srcset=\"https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/texting-1490691_1280.jpg 1280w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/texting-1490691_1280-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/texting-1490691_1280-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/texting-1490691_1280-1024x682.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1280px) 100vw, 1280px\" \/>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">To be clear,&nbsp;<strong>everyone<\/strong>&nbsp;is entitled to put their best foot forward and you should always be confident and comfortable in the person you are, but the key is be open and communicative to your potential partner.<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">One comment we heard a lot about was&nbsp;<strong>intentions<\/strong>.&nbsp;&nbsp;It\u2019s hard to measure intentions, but fairly easy to measure action.&nbsp;&nbsp;It appears there are too many missed connections and lack of follow-up early on because of work, vacation, not properly communicating feelings, etc.&nbsp;&nbsp;Give someone the benefit of the doubt&nbsp;&nbsp;&#8211; don\u2019t always judge someone if they don\u2019t text you back in 1 hour or 1 day.&nbsp;&nbsp;Try and be proactive in your communications and be positive \u2013 the other person will be able to see that positive attitude.&nbsp;<\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">But, at the end of day \u2013 try to respect each other\u2019s time, and match each other\u2019s effort.&nbsp;&nbsp;You&nbsp;<strong>need<\/strong>&nbsp;to be looking for Mr\/Ms. Right, not Mr\/Ms. Right-In-Front-You.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><u>Be Open-Minded<\/u>.&nbsp;&nbsp;The funny thing with an abundance of choices (apps, websites, etc.) means that it sometimes makes it&nbsp;<strong>more<\/strong>&nbsp;difficult to settle down, and people tend to&nbsp;<strong>look for perfection<\/strong>.&nbsp;&nbsp;Sorry friends, but perfection doesn\u2019t exist.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">The key is to be open-minded and figure out why you place a premium on certain traits.&nbsp;&nbsp;Apply logical rigor (like you learned at UVA) to understand how important that particular trait is (i.e.: height, weight, education level, ethnicity, family upbringing, etc.) and whether it\u2019s fair to consider it.&nbsp;&nbsp;<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-182 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/love-560783_1280.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1280\" height=\"720\" srcset=\"https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/love-560783_1280.jpg 1280w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/love-560783_1280-300x169.jpg 300w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/love-560783_1280-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/love-560783_1280-1024x576.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1280px) 100vw, 1280px\" \/><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">For some people, marrying someone of the same faith is deeply personal and important \u2013 and that\u2019s great.&nbsp;&nbsp;For others, faith or ethnicity may be at the bottom of list but it is&nbsp;<strong>perceived<\/strong>&nbsp;to be ranked higher because of the influence of friends or family.&nbsp;&nbsp;Weed out those weaker requirements and continue to get to know someone for as long as reasonably possible \u2013as a famous quote goes: \u201c<em>You like people for their qualities, but you LOVE them for their faults.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">Also, don\u2019t be afraid to make the first move if you have some interest to get to know your date better \u2013 email\/text them \u2013 don\u2019t just wait for someone else to \u2018wake up and realize how great you are!\u2019.&nbsp;&nbsp;Attraction or chemistry takes time to grow &#8211; there will be more opportunities for people who&nbsp;<strong>take more<\/strong>&nbsp;initiative.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><u>Don\u2019t do any of the following<\/u>:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u201cGhosting\u201d, i.e. ignoring calls\/text messages from a person because YOU are afraid of hurting someone\u2019s feelings.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just be honest in a quick message and say \u2018It isn\u2019t working out\u2019.&nbsp;&nbsp;No need for explanations or long diatribes.&nbsp;&nbsp;You\u2019ll appreciate it when it happens to you so you can quickly move on.&nbsp;&nbsp;The sooner you stop wasting time hoping someone likes you, the quicker you can find someone that really does care about you for you.<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-181 aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/ghosting.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"1280\" height=\"853\" srcset=\"https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/ghosting.jpg 1280w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/ghosting-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/ghosting-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/aig.uvaalumni.org\/dearaapaan\/files\/2018\/01\/ghosting-1024x682.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1280px) 100vw, 1280px\" \/><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u201cBenching\u201d, i.e. keeping someone on the back-burner just in-case your main \u2018squeeze\u2019 ghosts you!&nbsp;&nbsp;Not a nice thing to do.&nbsp;&nbsp;Surely people are entitled to meet lots of people initially as they get to know someone, but if you think intentions are mismatched \u2013 say something!&nbsp;&nbsp;(See Rule #2 above).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">In closing, we hope that if you follow these tips, you\u2019ll be setting yourself up for success.&nbsp;&nbsp;Remember, Rome wasn\u2019t built overnight.&nbsp;&nbsp;Just because you haven\u2019t found someone \u201cquickly\u201d doesn\u2019t mean you are doing something wrong \u2013 as long as you are meeting people, are honest, and open-minded \u2013 the right person will come along.&nbsp;&nbsp;Along the way, relax and enjoy meeting different people.&nbsp;&nbsp;The next person you meet may not be your future mate but he\/she could turn out to be a friend nevertheless.<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">AAPAAN Panel<\/p>\n<p style=\"font-weight: 400\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dear AAPAAN: I been trying out online dating looking to meet a compatible person (could be Asian-American, or any other ethnicity).&nbsp;&nbsp;Not going well so far.&nbsp; Any hints on how best to go about this?&nbsp;&nbsp;Signed Anonymous Dear Anonymous, The Dear AAPAAN panelists have been out of the dating scene for a quite a while and we [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":95,"featured_media":180,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-179","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-other"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Dear AAPAAN: I been trying out online dating looking to meet a compatible person.\u00a0\u00a0Not going well so far.\u00a0 Any hints on how best to go about this? - Dear AAPAAN<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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